Before I discuss this blog I want to address the reason I don’t always approve comments. I’ve had a lot of spam and obscene comments lately so I am more watchful of what I approve. I’ve also had people try to post comments asking me to join a particular religion or use some "special" vitamin to "cure" my Aspergers. I’m not a religious person and really don’t like to have people post "trust Jesus" messages. At one time I was into religion but my crisis really changed my perspective on my religious beliefs to the point that I don’t believe in God anymore. After going through a life of praying for God’s help and never receiving any help I conclude that either God Doesn’t exist or simply doesn’t like me so why should I believe in him? For these "special" vitamins I have to say that I am always a skeptic and even am skeptical of something if it is approved by the Food And Drug Administration. Chances are there will never be a cure or treatment for Aspergers and even if there was some pill it could be like the many anti-depressants I have tried for depression that have had all kinds of side effects including gaining 50 lbs of weight, having dizziness attacks, and other symptoms less serious. I’m through trying drugs especially ones that just came out that nobody knows the long term effects of it’s use. One of the anti-depressants I was prescribed turned out to cause diabetes to people who use it on a long term basis. The pharmaceutical company withheld this information from the FDA in order to get their drug approved. They also didn't want to be forced to advise people of the potential of developing diabetes so they withheld this information for marketing reasons too.
I try my best not to wallow in my own self pity but sometimes it is hard not to. I’ve struggled my entire life to fit in with the mainstream society who doesn’t have Aspergers and it is very difficult. Since Aspergers doesn’t always have obvious symptoms most people misunderstand me. Since Aspergers is something very few people have heard of it would be hard to tell people why I may be socially awkward even if I wanted to reveal that I have Aspergers. I’ve tried not to be so socially awkward but unlike some people with Aspergers I haven’t had any luck. Some people realize that I’m different and are more than happy to tell me what they think of me by calling me obscene names, harassing me, threatening me, and even attempting to hurt me. Dealing with this rejection can be very difficult and being lonely is one of the worst forms of punishment I can think of. It gets very depressing for me this time of the year because this is the time of the year it gets warm outside and like everyone else I have cabin fever from spending most of my winter indoors avoiding the cold and want to get outside and spend time with others. The only problem is I am socially awkward and have a very hard time making friends because I am so socially awkward.
Things have been very tough for me the past few months. I think I already mentioned that I don't have any friends at work and spend my time alone during breaks. This has been tough for me and I’m considering leaving my current employer because I have no friends. In addition I am being harassed by a woman who doesn't like me because I'm different and has been very vocal in letting me know what she thinks of me. She has called me all kinds of obscene names but the problem is this probably won’t be considered sexual harassment if I report her to Human Resources. At the most it could be harassment based on a perceived disability (she sees me as mentally challenged) and this form of harassment isn't considered as serious as sexual harassment. I also don't have any friends so even if someone witnesses her harassing me I have nobody who is willing to help me or be my witness. To most people I'm considered a second class citizen and even to some I am a worthless piece of garbage to them. I now retreat to my pickup during breaks rather than going to the break room where she usually finds me. The thing is even if I leave my current employer most likely I will end up in another place with no friends and even be harassed by another co-worker. Another reason I am considering leaving is because my current employer is tightening their belt and we are being forced to take days off without pay resulting in a significant loss in pay. Watching the higher ups fail to address their own budget I believe these forced unpaid days off will be a yearly thing and don’t like the idea they won’t be taking a single day off but we will be losing pay. After all they are the reason we are in the financial situation we currently are in and I have no faith in their ability to resolve their inability to budget their money.
I've faced more rejection than I normally do as I attempt to make friends including rejections from women. The truth is not only do I have Aspergers that makes me socially awkward, I'm also a short guy and very few women are looking for a shorter guy who is only 5'2". I'm also considered ugly looking by women. It really makes me sad to realize I simply cannot get a date and if I want to spend any time with a woman I would have to pay a woman to just go on a date with me. There simply are no women who care about me! It is always depressing for me to go out and watch a movie or dine out and see all kinds of guys on dates or guys taking their wife and family out to dinner or to watch a movie. This past weekend I was in Salt Lake City for one night and went to a local restaurant and it happened to be not only busy but also prom night. This brought back unpleasant memories of my times in high school wanting to go to the prom but not being able to find a date. I's amazing how even though you have had a lot of changes in your life there are some things that remain constant. I try to forget about my high school years as well as the other times I’ve faced rejection but it is hard to not have these memories return.
When I'm down I have nobody to talk to since I have no friends and most importantly someone who I can trust to talk to about my personal problems. Everyone needs social support but when you have no friends you don’t get the emotional support you need. For most people there is someone who cares about them but for me nobody cares about me.
Living with the aspergers curse. 