The Asperger Curse
My entire life has been harsh as I have always seemed to be different but couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make friends and why I was treated so badly by classmates. It just seemed that I was wired completely different and unable to relate and become friends with others. This made me depressed and my high school years weren’t my golden years like most students. I never attended a prom, I went on only 1 date and the woman who went out with me didn’t really like me. I was told by my high school classmates that I would never get married which I though would be impossible to happen but now I realize they were right. My high school days were so bad that I even considered suicide. The only reason I didn’t end up carrying out my suicide plans was because I figured my life would get better. Unfortunately I was in some way cursed and probably would have committed suicide back in high school if I knew what I do now, that I will probably never find a woman in my life (especially when I’m 41 years old)!
I learned a few years ago in therapy that I have what is called aspergers which was a dose of good news and bad news. For once it seemed that there was an illness that accurately described me instead of all the other things I was diagnosed with such as social anxiety disorder and even schizophrenia. The bad news is there isn’t a cure for aspergers and the treatments available for aspergers are the same treatments for the illnesses I already have been diagnosed as (except schizophrenia which my current therapist has no idea how I could be diagnosed with).
This also was bad new in that I would probably never be able to fix the problems that prevent me from being with a woman. It’s sad to know that clear back in high school, you already had the right solution to the problem but figured things could only get better. To this day, I think I should have committed suicide back in high school since I’m now in a situation where it would cause serious problems for others. In high school, it wouldn’t be as traumatic for those who love me. I realize that I’m selfish to consider taking my life but I also think I shouldn’t be forced to suffer and I just cannot accept the fact that I will never be loved by a woman and find myself extremely lonely. I always feared I would be alone for the rest of my life and this fear was why I considered suicide in high school. It’s hard to accept that I was right all along and shouldn’t have thought things will get any better for me and that my classmates were right, I’ll never be with a woman!
I now spend the rest of my life cursed and living my worst nightmare of being alone and without a woman for the rest of my life! This has resulted in me questioning if God even exists and if he does exist what sick reason did he curse me with a lifetime illness when I have done nothing wrong? It’s hard to accept that some higher power could do something so sick and twisted to someone. Even people like Ted Bundy were able to spend time with women but for some sick reason if God really does exist, he decided to deny me something that he shouldn’t have gave people like Ted Bundy. It would have been nice if he cursed Ted Bundy with aspergers since Ted wouldn’t have been able to victimize all the women who he eventually killed! I’m someone who needs the companionship of a woman but unlike Ted Bundy and others, I just don’t get the chance for some sick reason. I’m hoping this blog will help me deal with the pain and I can possibly find emotional support for my hardships because my life is hell as a result of the aspergers curse and the chances of a cure or treatment being found doesn’t look good!
Living with the aspergers curse. 
As a teenage aspie girl, i mostly consider it a curse. everything is louder and in some cases annoying to me; which sucks cuz my mom is a total chatterbox who doesnt understand the meaning of shut up. Ive got the worst social skills on the planet, my last friend being a total bitch. though i prefer to think about my music career over romance, i cant help but feel attracted to those cute guys. too bad that hot guy i failed with is now dating the very girl ive been jealous of since the 4th grade. One look and i knew what kinda girl Kirby was. she is gorgeaus, on the track team, popular, and is just this perfegt social butterfly. i could never live up too such high standards.
however, there are some positives. thanks to high intellugence, obsessive passions and focus, aspies are known for being very talented and smart people. My reading scores are off the charts, my poetry is legendary amoung teachers, im an amazing artist, and pursuing a music career. even though im gifted like that, i cant really help but wish that i can interact like a normal girl. my mom still doeant understand my disorder, thus believes that i could easily pick out a friend like a normal person. I say in the comparison, your lucky. Girls are expected to be very social creatures, and its not really unusual if a guy is a lone wolf. In the female version, its known as cat ladies. When it comes to high standards, your off the hook
It does suck having Aspergers especially when social skills don’t come as easy for someone with Aspergers as normal people and a lot of times normal people don’t realize this or don’t understand to what extent someone with Aspergers has difficulties socializing with others. In addition, since we often are seen as solitary, some assume we don’t want any interaction when all human beings crave interactions but sometimes people with Aspergers prefer to be alone for a while.
You’re right, there are some positives. When I was in school (late 70s, and 80s), I was regarded by school officials to be the total opposite of intelligent. I even had teacher tell me that I will not be successful at anything in my life. I did have computer skills but didn’t realize my talents during my school years because I assumed I was dumb since I believed my teachers. Luckily a teacher in Junior High School realized that things weren’t hopeless for me and helped me catch up in math. By high school I was out of Special Education classes but still was self conscious of my intelligence and never really tried. Luckily I realized my talents after graduating high school and went to college. Of course the main purpose of college was to meet a woman but that didn’t work out but after some hard times, I was able to obtain a Computer Science degree. I still face problems with making friends and am unmarried at 41 years old which sucks since I’m quite lonely. As I’ve said in my blog, when I was told I most likely have Aspergers it was both a blessing and a curse. Now I knew there was an explanation for how I seemed different but with there no cure or treatment, chances are I may remain lonely for the rest of my life.
their are positives and over time we learn to improve if we want to. You can ignore it and see yourself as failed or learn to adapt. You wont get cured but you can turn it from a complete negative into something that also works for you in life.
Remember depression comes and goes, its not constant unless you wallow in it. Push yourself to move on (Learn about something new, we are good at that lol)
ill share a story,
At 18 i worked in a DIY shop. After so long because i developed alot of knowledge (like most auspies) about the job and then i was asked to sell bathrooms for them.
I tried and tried but being autistic failed with body language/speech ques etc etc etc.
In the end i was put back to the basic work because i just couldnt get sales.
Im now about to turn 26 and i am once again doing sales part time while i finish my degree (made no mates at uni in 3 years). This time i do sales in a call centre. (this can be harsh with loud noises etc) But from the last sales job i have focused on learning to speak better with people, and tricking them into thinking im like them. Like anything it takes practice.
I have made it into the top 20 salesmen in the office a number of times. Have you any idea how proud that makes me seeing i sold more than an NT and im autistic???
Just take that as proof auspies can adapt and suceed.
The bad side of the loneliness we all know, but the positive is the strength. Do you have any idea of how strong a human mind is to walk alone with no real support for 25/45 years? If you can make it to adult hood as an auspie, controll outbursts enough that you can get a job and support yourself you are an extremely strong character and should carry this with great pride.
Yeah im lonely but i also know everything ive accomplished has been through my own effort, no one else helped me to the level most people get helped. At uni ive not got good marks from help off my uni mates, ive gone out and got that knowledge entirely alone, i put together my assignments on my won and passed. the NT’s cant do it without helping one another along.
I found the following quote years ago and have ingrained this on my brain, whenever im down about being lonely this hits my brain….
““It is the business of the very few to be independent; it is a privilege of the strong. And whoever attempts it, even with the best right, but without being OBLIGED to do so, proves that he is probably not only strong, but also daring beyond measure. He enters into a labyrinth, he multiplies a thousandfold the dangers which life in itself already brings with it; not the least of which is that no one can see how and where he loses his way, becomes isolated, and is torn piecemeal by some minotaur of conscience. Supposing such a one comes to grief, it is so far from the comprehension of men that they neither feel it, nor sympathize with it. And he cannot any longer go back! He cannot even go back again to the sympathy of men!”? (1938.Friedrich Nietzsche)
you can stop and sit in the labrynth of your mind and give in, or you can battle on and make progress through it over the years. And if you do make the progress you can then look back and draw on that as strength. What us auspies do in life we do alone, every goal is our own. That is more than most humans can say> we are the strong ones in life. Remember that!
Miles, what an encouraging and thoughtful response – thank you. I found this thread after googling “loneliness and asperger’s”. I’ve had a rough day, when things finally build up and then topple over.
Your sales experience I can relate to. At 31, the years of sales (and working on my weaknesses) have been quite a help. I had to struggle with trying too hard and coming across as fake, but now have it down better. If only the same could be said for friends.
If anything I’ve gone too far the other way; I learned to perform and to say and do (within reason) anything to get along. But it was never a true connection since I felt so flawed.
So, right now I feel like I’ve tried everything. Friendships seem too much work and discouraging. I have one close friend, but he’s got a bunch going on with him so it’s a bit touch-and-go.
Thank you for your positivity and honest account. It helped! (I will also try calling a counselor on Monday)
🙂
I feel empathy for your situation.. Has anyone looked into a local mental health organization? Remember mental health does not mean mental illness or mental retardation, but may offer help over a broad spectrum. Do not feel you are alone. There are thousands with the same or simalar problems ( 1 in 1000 ) which is a lot. There are dating services available and or group meetings.\ If you are a kind person with love and compassion there is someone praying to meet you. Don’t let a label limit you. Someone wants to meet you. but you have to get up off your butt and join any possible group, whether church,;;;organization ;;or gov services..See if there are on line groups, maybe Facebook groups. Don’t give up””be pro active. Do anything and everything;;; someone is wishing to meet you.
Sam, It runs deeper than that. Great neuro-typical answer. though.
I do not consider being an Aspergers a curse. I have led a fairly everyday life. I disliked school, work and any interaction with others not because of my Aspergers unless you consider high intelligence a handicap, but because of boredom. Boredom is the bane of my life, and being alone alleviates that boredom mostly. Being with others can be excruciating for me. I do not envy the normals, neurotypicals they call themselves, as they are so pathetic wallowing in neuroses and suffering due to their gift of social skills. You may be cursed but you will never die the 1000 deaths of guilt, shame, trivial discrimination due to style of clothing, use of accent, place of origin that these normals go through. Think yourselves lucky to be free of all that petty nonsense.
This sounds so much like my son, who is 29 and has Aspergers.
Before I learned I have Aspergers(years before actually), I stopped believing in God. That was one of the best things that ever happened to me looking back. I take things so literally that I was a raging fundamentalist Christian making me late to work all the time(expected God to transport me just like on Star Trek in accordance with the book of Acts in the Bible), making me a nightmare to work with as the world will be destroyed when Jesus returns so why bother doing a good job on a job when the supervisor curses every other word(if I do a good job I will lose my salvation due to by action condoning my supervisors use of profanity), speaking in tongues allowed me to live in my fantasy land and escape reality almost all day long, so on and so forth. This made relationships with women nearly impossible. I got with women I wasn’t attracted to, and the ones I wanted would usually reject me because I would always give my life’s story with every little problem. Girlfriends(even though I wasn’t attracted to them) would be put off by my meltdowns and my rabid religiosity. At no point would I take true responsibility for myself always expecting “God” to bail me out. I started to realize that the only reason I believed in the first place was my fear of going to Hell. The people who threatened me in church at seven years old no more knew what happens after we die than I do so they are lying. They claim to KNOW what happens, they can’t KNOW, they can only believe. So they are compulsive liars despite practicing cash register honesty. The last straw was finding out about NLP(neural linguistic programming) and being chastised at this one church because it was me relying on me to fix my piles of problems from some(looking back) NT baffoon who wouldn’t know a real problem if it was the size of a billboard from his fake problems(he shows up to work on time, he has no trouble falling asleep, he doesn’t have daily suicidal thoughts, he doesn’t get sucked into dangerous cults like I have been, he has no trouble interacting with attractive women, he has no problems at work, etc etc). That pissed me off beyond imagination and only made me really study the Bible resulting in me denouncing my faith. I came to the conclusion that a person by their own admission being imperfect, how could they make a judgement call about a big booming voice from the sky claiming its own perfection? They would first have to be perfect in order to agree with it. I eventually went to Buddhism and became a Nichiren Buddhist. I no longer have a religion(this has been years ago by the way), but I very firmly believe in mantra chanting. It made all the difference in the world. I overcame depression, overcame suicidal thoughts, actually got with a woman I am attracted to(actually several over the last few years and I didn’t have to try, chanting made me act more or less NT just eccentric), overcame my meltdowns, overcame a lot of social awkwardness, many times still stick my foot in mouth but not to the point where it would get me fired. More or less me critiquing people’s religious beliefs to get them to see how self reliance is the only sure fire way to live given that a person has the right techniques. “God” never did a damn thing for me, my chanting and self talk routines on MY schedule and in accordance with MY will allowed me to act more normal than I thought was ever going to be possible. Me actually being on time or early to work, never going to happen, until I started chanting. Me not having meltdowns, never going to happen, until I started chanting. I at one point also dropped to 10 percent body fat and I have always been overweight. I got out of shape after I quit working in a tire factory and am looking at getting back in shape because with women, it made a HUGE difference. I still messed things up(because that was before I started really chanting) due to doing things like being at a bar and flashing my abs at them thinking they would jump me. I was asked to not talk to them and I couldn’t understand why. It still made a big difference because they would look at me a lot more. I used self talk routines to get in shape where now I will chant and focus on getting in shape. Just abandon “God” and believe in yourself-use self talk and meditation/chanting and life won’t have to continue being the nightmare you are living in. Get in damn good shape and believe in your own dignity and potential and to hell with the NT failures who put you down in high school. They usually live for pointless reality TV and Justin Bieber type nonsense never thinking about what they are doing. People like us are the ones in history who actually rule the world, think of Bill Gates. Would Bill Gates be as successful as he has been without his autistic traits? Keep your chin up, it can get better but it requires a lot of time and work.
Great comment! I get a lot of religious people who have commented on this blog and have suggested that I either did something wrong and God is punishing me or my lack of belief in his existence has something to do with having Aspergers and that I could simply “find Jesus” and all my problems will go away. One person even suggested that I can blame my parents for “infidelity and loose morals”. If parents with loose morals cause children to be born with Aspergers and other Autism related conditions then people on the spectrum would be the majority. I’d have to say my parents have normal morals and are not involved in infidelity. Most of the religious comments I don’t approve since some have come off as too religious or even wanted me to post information on how me and others can join their church. Some have sounded more like rants from a hate group. I think a lot of people live in a fairy tell world where life happens like all the movies where “the good guy always gets his girl” or “the good guy always wins”. I imagine a lot of people who have been diagnosed with a terminal disease like cancer are asking themselves what they did to deserve getting cancer. That’s one of the unfortunate things about life is you can be healthy one day then be stricken with cancer and it happens to anybody regardless of how religious they are or what they believe in. I think religion is similar to Santa Claus where kids who live in poorer families wonder why they don’t get as good as gifts as their richer friends. They may have been a better boy or girl but for some reason Santa cannot give them the same gifts as their friends who are richer than they are. I think a lot of people are expecting their life to be like the movies when this isn’t always the case.
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hahaha,,,when i was a kid..i thought it was a curse too..but now i am 20 years old..in my mind.this is a gift from god.so grateful to hav it..
about woman..well..if u lucky enough..u will find someone who will understand u,,in fact..i did found one.. XD
So many emotions after reading this. I’m going to read the rest of the comments very soon. I’m very interested to see the world with some insight into such a tough life for some of you.
I wish I could say I understand, when really I’m just trying to, but Thats gotta count for something….
I feel what you feel plus employment disruptions in a Web development career.
We call it the Marsh curse LOL
I walk with Christ and I think He has forgotten me to some extent.
I’d kill myself except a. A few people want me around b. Suicides go to Hell
Can’t help with women. One uncle was married at 60, another is never married at 70
I am single at 43 my brother single at 41.
Me wonders if we slip through NT radar as though we are non (NT) persons.
I am 37 and single as well. I have a job watching families at play, I love watching this but some days I get so tired of trying not to be disappointed I don’t have a family. I don’t even have contact with my own family, their guilt loading for me leaving the family religion is far too dangerous for my mental health. I just don’t understand how to begin have my own family. I had a few girl friends the longest for 4-5 months. In hindsight I see that was because at the time I was body building or had a job that paid a lot and was high profile.
I’ve often wondered if I am only compatible to another lady with Asperger’s
I’ve tried going to bars and things but feel like a complete alien. A few weeks back a colleague was moving to another job. We had a get together at the pub. The moment I walked into the crowded place I felt like everybody knew that I shouldn’t be here. I stayed an agonizing 15 minutes in which I tried to think of something witty to say, then for anything to say to people over the other side of table. Then I decided I wasn’t going to feel like crap for failing to pretend to be some person I am not! and left.
Also I found it quite annoying how everyone wanted to know what I was drinking and wanted others to know what alcoholic beverage they were drinking. When they found out my drink didn’t have alcohol… it was like I was stereotyped into NERD!
Little did they know I’ve got enough moonshine at home to blow the house sky high.
I like your blog which puts the matter straight, viz, the challenges of living with Asperger syndrome, unlike other blogs (some of which are written by unemployed aspies who, therefore, are on dole) which tell you nonsense like “how cool it is to have AS”. Sure, it has a benefit in systemizing, but that benefit exists only for those people who have high native intelligence, and such people are a minority (and even they might want to enjoy the social life). According to my theory of AS, called Attentional shift theory, AS only removes the interference of theory of mind to systemizing ability, it does not make someone intelligent per se.
By doing a coginitive exercise (basically applying some language rules), I developed rudimentary theory of mind (social ability). And then comparing my past, when I was mindblind, with my new present, when I had some theory of mind, I developed theory of theory of mind.
http://unofficialscience.blogspot.in/2012/09/0-attentional-shift-theory-of-autism.html
Those language rules appears so strange to aspies that they don’t believe me. However, one simple rule from those rules can let you develop some social ability; though, to fully understand a social conversation, one needs to appreciate all the rules. You may contact me for further discussion. I promise you that within 2-3 years you will begin to understand the implied, hidden meaning in a social conversation.
It’s a theory of Asperger syndrome, and not of autism spectrum disorder as I (wrongly) clubbed AS with autism, a recent trend among researcher in the field, and people with AS. As I argue, AS is not the mild form of autism, but a part of it.
http://unofficialscience.blogspot.in/2012/09/26-attentional-shift-theory-for-autism.html
You know, I want to first validate that what you’re saying is somewhat true– that it’s fucking hell on earth sometimes.
That said, I know multiple parents on the spectrum, and getting with someone isn’t necessarily impossible.
How much contact do you have with other people dealing with this? I know there’s a blog, chaoticidealism, on LiveJournal run by someone who is an Aspie and a Christian, if you need to see that someone can handle being both.
There’s always a danger in recommending memoirs, namely that they’re always written by exceptional people. With that caveat in mind, I would nonetheless recommend Pretending To Be Normal by Liane Holliday-Willey and Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet. Other people have walked this road before. You are not alone.
I see that this is an old entry, so maybe this is all old news to you, or maybe I’m too late, but I’ve just been linked here by someone wanting an opinion from me. So. Here you go.
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When will you stop posting on this blog? I personally know the author of this blog and have met others with autism spectrum disorders and other disabilities and I can tell you that people should fear people like you instead of people with disabilities. In the past people like you have done horrible things in the name of Christianity. Please shut up and go back to your Aryan, KKK, or Westboro Baptist Church sermons. You are embarrassing Christians, most of whom don’t agree with you along with people in general who have no disabilities who also disagree with your views. You are also making a mockery of Jesus Christ and his true teachings by proclaiming your love of Jesus. Let me ask you what Jesus would do? Would Jesus attack a group of people born with something that makes them different? Please stop posting because you are embarrassing Jesus, Christians, and people without disabilities.
Let me add that I am sorry for people with Aspergers who may be reading this garbage from someone claiming to love Jesus Christ has posted and that not all people who are Christian or people who have no disabilities support the views of this nutcase.
Hi, just read a previous comment, and wanted to respond. I definitely realize so many terrible things have been done in the name of religion. I’m glad that Jesus though was really loving and peaceful. As an aspie Christian, I’m so sorry when that part gets lost.
Cheers,
Jan
I apologize for the comments left by “I Love Jesus” throughout this blog. I should have been watching the comments more closely given what happened this weekend. Unfortunately there are people out there who read news stories and conclude that just because someone has some difference who committed a notorious crime that it follows that others who have this same difference also are “ticking time bombs” who will do the same. My heart goes out to the victims of the senseless act that happened this weekend in California and want people to understand that people with Aspergers are just as outraged this happened as the general public and it hurts our reputation when the press emphasizes that he may have had Aspergers. Unfortunately this weekend should be a time of celebration of our Nation’s rich history but it has been marred by this tragic attack. Despite this tragic event I hope everyone is enjoying their Memorial Day weekend and realize that not all people with Aspergers do what this person did if it turns out that he indeed had Aspergers.
know what fuck this man i hate this shit adhd got me goin nuts constant fuckin aspergers has me in the drain man fuck this shit aint doin it no more sick of every single person and if u readin this dnt take it in a sad way take it in a pissed off way fuck everybody man fuck this shit………….
Hopefully you are still around and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to respond earlier. Yes Aspergers can be a curse or a pain in the a– but I think some great news is that there is a diagnosis. For example when I went to school in the 1970s and 1980s when there really wasn’t much of an understanding for Aspergers and some teachers and other students considered me to be “Retarded”. Even psychologists weren’t fully aware of Aspergers and other disorders. Even though we are not where I wish we were in understanding Aspergers and Autism Spectrum Disorders, at least there is a diagnosis. A lot of us who went to school prior to the 1990s never had a real diagnosis by school officials as well as professional psychologists. I was considered “Lazy” as well as “Retarded” by faculty and even school psychologists who kept trying to blame my parents even though my brother didn’t have these problems. If I were attending school today I think there would be more educators who understand Aspergers and other Autism Spectrum Disorders. Of course I am concerned that some may diagnose a student with Attention Deficit Disorder and ask the family physician to prescribe a medication such as Ritalin or even anti-depressants. I’m sure there are students (and even education professionals) who call people on the spectrum as “retards” which I still find offensive since there are now more explanations and they actually are not mentally challenged. School officials have been more educated but other students like to find differences and ridicule people for being different. I wish you the best and please don’t let Aspergers get in the way. Unfortunately unlike someone with obvious physical impairments such as a missing limb, people on the spectrum may appear normal most of the time and “normal” people may misinterpret someone who has a disability such as Aspergers. Hopefully there will be increased awareness of people who may not have obvious impairments such as people with mental disabilities and people who are on the Autism Spectrum.
I tried to kill myself because of autism when I was 33. I am now 38 and wish I had gone through with it instead Of going to the hospital. I can’t seem to get up the nerve to try again, because I know my life will be even worse if I survive another attempt.
Sorry for the late reply. It can be difficult having Aspergers and I thought about ending my life in high school. I have to admit that my life didn’t get better when I received help in high school and many times thought about suicide. I think the main reason I decide not to is how devastated my parents and other members would feel. Of course it is hard living a lonely life realizing that I will never get married and it isn’t like I have friends at work who support me. Most of my co-workers dislike me and I’m often misunderstood by others.
I ENTIRELY agree with whoever wrote/made this, and since I’m a junior in high school I should take your advise. ESPECIALLY since my “family” (except my dad who is pretty much always away at work) and STUPID SOCIETY (#sociopath, #humanopath (against being human)) treat me like crap, and practically do ALL the negative things possible (no memory, OCD as well…) instead of what’s shown on the show Parenthood! However, I DO have positive things; ie left-handed, visual/hands-on learner, high metabolism, and anything else; which makes it worse for being different-of-all-different but good for me, I guess. Plus, it possibly seems there are others who have the same views as me (and maybe Asperger’s…), but those people are either on the other half of the planet or people I CAN’T find! So I guess I can continue my sedentary, screen life which I’m fine with, unless I can get a job in math, science, and/or nature.
Can you perhaps be the guy I saw on 48 Hrs. who supposedly murdered his mother…?
God’s not cursing you. This is merely a ticket to get closer to Him. I’m an aspie myself, and God’s the only one I have. And He’s a friend of mine. Use this life of yours to get closer to Him- He, unlike people, is always there and always understands.