Why I won’t be attending my class reunion

For many people high school is a golden time of their life that they wish that they could return to. Unfortunately my high school experience wasn’t golden. I was treated poorly by classmates and was hated by many classmates, many classmates were going on their first dates but I was hated by women so I didn’t really have dates, and I also had no friends making me lonely. During my senior year I thought of committing suicide. By the time I graduated in 1989 I was emotionally drained and wanted to forget about my high school days. This year is the 30th anniversary of my class and they plan to hold a reunion. I won’t be going to this reunion for three reasons. First because I wasn’t well liked by most of my classmates and they would rather not see me anyway. Second, I have been depressed and lonely and bringing back the bad memories from high school will make me even more depressed. Finally, many of my classmates predicted that I would never get married and that I would be a failure. I don’t really want them to tell me how right they were that I would not be married and even though I’ve had some success in my life it isn’t as much success that I wanted and they would probably still find a way to tell me that I’m a failure. I even waged a bet with 5 of my classmates in a metal shop class who predicted that I would never be married during our 25 year reunion and bet me $20 that I wouldn’t be married. We didn’t hold a 25 year reunion but at 30 years I am unmarried and gave up looking.

Many of my classmates disliked me and perhaps I caused some of the hate but many always saw me as different and made fun of me. Many made fun of me and some would get upset with me even if I try to say hello to them. I dealt with some who happened to see me in college and they let me know that they felt that I didn’t belong in college. I was depressed in high school due to all the rejection and often longed for a friend that I never had in high school. For a while I had a friend but he graduated early and during my junior year he studied in Germany. I also faced a lot of rejection and eventually thought about committing suicide and in a way felt I should have went with my plan to commit suicide back then even though it would have hurt my family so badly. When I talked to counselors they kept reassuring me that women will eventually “grow up” shortly after high school and I would find a woman interested in me. This of course never happened and I faced the same rejection I had in high school in college. Ironically the primary reason I went to college was to find a woman.

My time in high school had many negative memories that I don’t want to relive. From the teasing by classmates, students who hated me and let me know it, and the constant rejection when looking for a friend. To this day simple things bring back bad memories. For example, I may see a young couple and it brings back memories and me wishing that I would have found some woman who was interested in me. It also reminds me how lonely I currently am and how at 48 it is safe to say I will be lonely for the remainder of my life. Seeing the students who ridiculed me will definitely bring back some bad memories and make me even more depressed. Especially seeing people who were total jerks to me being happily married and me in the same situation I was back in high school, lonely and wishing some woman loved me.

Finally, most of my classmates wouldn’t want me there anyway or they want me there for the wrong reasons such as to tell me that they told me so that I wouldn’t ever get married or that I would be a failure. With me already in a depressed mood this will make me even more depressed and longing for friends. It’s bad enough facing being lonely. I am certain that I will be unable to deal with classmates telling me that I was wrong and the ones I made bets with will probably remember this bet that I wouldn’t be married during our 25 year reunion. It will also be hard for me to see women who rejected me back in high school.

For many, high school is a golden time of their life but for other people like me, high school wasn’t that great of a time and you wish that you could forget your time in high school. Many people wish that their high school days could last forever and have fond memories of their high school days such as going to a prom, etc.

Valentines day with Aspergers

   I just got through Christmas which can by a trying time for someone with Aspergers. People my age usually have families which I don’t have. It would be great to play Santa Claus and surprise your kids with gifts they asked for but never thought they would receive. They are like Ralphie from A Christmas Story asking Santa since he is the "head honcho" for things like a red ryder BB gun. Of course the biggest gift I wanted when I was a kid was a Commodore® 64 and was surprised one Christmas morning to find a Commodore® 64 as a gift from Santa. I always wished I had a wife that I can enjoy Christmas with and kids to give gifts to. The day after Christmas all stores seem to immediately put up Valentines day displays. I enjoy the wide selecition of Valentines day candy more than I do Christmas candy but I can’t remember ever having a great Valentines day. It is a celebration of love and when you are without a "Valentine" it can be tough.

   It is hard seeing all the advertisements for Valentines day and it seems that everyone has a "Valentine" to buy gifts for. There has been so many times that I have wished that there was a woman who loved me and I could give her a Valentines day gift to show my love and appreciation for her. It would also be nice to receive a gift from a woman who
is showing her love for me. Unfortunately this never happened. It’s a little harder this year since about this time last year I found out that a girl that I liked who worked in the same building as me didn’t like me. I noticed her four years ago and thought she was cute. At first I didn’t have the guts to walk up to her since I have been rejected by most women. I finally had the guts to talk to her and for a while she acted nice to me and it seemed we had some things in common. She was divorced and wasn’t interested in re-marrying but I wasn’t too interested in jumping into marriage. She had some interests similar to me too. I asked her out a few times but she politely refused. One day she started avoiding me and from what I gather she just wasn’t interested in me and was probably someone who felt sorry for me and was only being nice to me since she was a nice person who didn’t want be mean to me and tell me to get lost like other women do. Finally she started avoiding me which really hurt me. For a lot of men, they would move onto some other woman but for someone like me there are few women who have interests in me. We are seen as weird by women (as well as men) and Lana became yet another woman who I would love to have spent time with but she had no intentions of hanging out with me! It’s really hard for people with Aspergers to pick up social cues and I imagine she gave me several hints that she simply wasn’t interested and was only being nice to me because she didn’t want to be mean to me but since I didn’t get the message that she wasn’t interested in even being friends, she was forced to avoid me. This was devastating for me! People say that you get over rejections but when you are repeatedly rejected it hurts. Especially when most of the women you approach tell you in very certain terms that they are not interested in you and you simply cannot find any women who will even go on a date with you let alone love you.

   A lot of my Valentines days have been very disappointing! One year during my senior year in high school some classmate met a woman he didn’t want to be with or wanted to pull a sick joke. He left my name and phone number to a woman named "Tressie". I am unsure if this was her correct name but this is what it sounded like she said her name was. She mentioned that we met a while back at a party and since I had never called back she decided to call. Even though I wasn’t invited to many high school parties I assumed that perhaps I did meet this woman at a party and tried to "remember". Unfortunately she realized I didn’t remember her and got upset. She had some friends who began calling me for over a month harassing me because she felt so bad and they probably figured I was trying to act like I didn’t remember her when it later became obvious that I never met this woman. During my senior year which was already a rough year I was receiving threats from people I had no idea who they were! I was even told that I "better watch my back" since friends of "Tressie" planned to retaliate. I called the South Ogden Police Department and contacted Bonneville High School. The police tried to trace these calls and the Administrators (who I didn’t trust) assured me that I am safe at Bonneville High. I ended up cutting class for the rest of the semester. Luckily I only needed one class in order to graduate from high school and there wasn’t an attendance policy or I would have been forced to go to school when I feared for my personal safety. I was glad to graduate in 1989 and get away from Bonneville High School!

   For people with Aspergers and other disabilities it can be a painful time of year when it comes to Valentines day! I remember my Junior year I had someone send a fake Valentine to a woman who couldn’t stand me. For the rest of my high school life I had this lady walk up to me and tell me how much she hated me! For some reason she still thought I was the one who sent the Valentine even though I told her I wasn’t the person who sent it and I had no interests in her especially since she hates me so much! Why would I continue to pursue someone who hates me so much? Surprisingly with me being shy I did give Valentines to women in high school. None of these women responded. They acted nice to me and told me how much they appreciated receiving a Valentine from me, others weren’t so kind. I tried to make sure women were comfortable with receiving a Valentine from me but there were plenty who didn’t like receiving a Valentine from me.

   In addition to being rejected by women, there are plenty of guys who would love to tell you how you will never be married. I had several classmates in high school
tell me that I would never find a woman and would be single for the rest of my life. I didn’t believe them because it just doesn’t seem to be something that would happen to me.
I saw myself as a nice guy but what I didn’t realize is this isn’t how women saw me. They saw me as weird and a lot of women didn’t want anything to do with me! Very few women
would be willing to go on a date with me! I’m about the only member of Bonneville’s Class of 1989 that has never been married! This is why I don’t attend any class reunions
since I know I will have classmates who will say "I told you so". It is depressing to see people who are total jerks able to find dates and even get married while
you are stuck single because of a defect that you were born with.

   Of course if I were to be attending high school or college today, the Internet is a much more effective way to pull pranks. For example Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o could
possibly be the victim of a sick prank. It is unknown if he knew but his "girlfriend" never existed. It is unknown if he did or didn’t know this but this shows how easy it is for someone to play a sick joke on someone. All you need to do is obtain a photo of some woman/guy and with the anonymity of the Internet you can play a very sick joke! It is unclear if Te’o visited this woman in person or not but easily someone could play a prank where they claim to be a woman who is interested in someone only to be playing a sick joke. A lot of people have done it and I believe a young woman committed suicide a couple years ago after some high school enemies duped her by making a fake Facebook profile of a guy who supposedly liked her. They obtained intimate details from her and after this young woman found out she was the subject of a sick prank, she committed suicide. Unfortunately people can be cruel especially when they have no idea the person they are pulling a prank on will be hurt so badly or they simply don’t care.

   For normal men and women, high school is the time they get their first kiss as well as going on their first date. Unfortunately, not all people experience this and
high school becomes hell! I remember being jealous because there was a total jerk going out with a woman I liked. During class she would sit in a desk behind him and place her feet in his hands to and let him massage her feet since she apparently loved this. I wish I could have been her boyfriend! I witnessed several times in high school where
couples were kissing and I wish that I had some woman who loved me and would give me a kiss! I couldn’t even get a hug from a woman! I would have loved to spend time with a woman
and always thought that even though I seemed different, there was a woman who wouldn’t mind.

   Everybody needs to be loved by someone as well as be able to show their love towards someone! Unfortunately this isn’t an option for a lot of people, especially
people with Aspergers. It’s hard to be told that you will make some woman happy only to realize that they are saying this to convince you that it isn’t hopeless to find someone
when they don’t realize that it really is hopeless for you when you have Aspergers. Some people with Aspergers are able to find love but most people with Aspergers never find love.