Posts Tagged ‘Unmarried’

Forties and lonely

I remember that since grade school I longed for the day that I would get married. As a kid everyone believes that they will be married when they are an adult. I cannot think of any adults whom I grew up with who weren’t married. It was just unheard of to not be married and if someone was unmarried it was always assumed that there was a reason such as they were a horrible person who would have treated their spouses poorly. The only adult that I can remember in my neighborhood who wasn’t married was a couple of mentally challenged guys. I feel guilty but with friends we made fun of them and even teased them about being unmarried. I really didn’t enjoy making fun of them and didn’t make fun of them much as it was more of the people I was with. I just couldn’t make fun of someone for not being normal especially when at the time I had kids who made fun of me and called me a "Retard". I felt sorry for these two adults since they had a condition that they couldn’t really have a great life and were treated like garbage by kids and even their parents. I didn’t think of it at the time but they most likely were lonely since they didn’t have a wife or girlfriend.

Around the sixth grade I started noticing that women disliked me as I had two women in grade school who ridiculed me repeatedly in the sixth grade. I noticed Denise and Jenny and thought they were beautiful and initially thought that they were twins. I told a friend that I trusted at the time that I thought that Denise and Jenny were beautiful twins. This frend informed me that they were not twins even though they were often seen together and even wore similar clothing to school. Since I like legs and feet I admired how they wore nylons and how they seemed to look beautiful in the clothes they wore. One day this so called friend told Denise and Jenny that I had a admired them and even had a crush on them. They didn’t take it too well and let me know that they didn’t like me. I tried to avoid them since I couldn’t even walk down the same hall without them saying something to me. They seemed to be freaked out that I admired them and thought that I was staring at them. This really hurt me and I didn’t trust women as much as I did before. During Junior high there was a couple of women who seemed to admire me but then there was a young woman named Amanda. I didn’t really notice her but someone played a sick prank that I fell for. A girl named Valerie told me that Amanda liked me and I believed her. I passed a note to her asking about her and she responded with another note telling me to get lost. I realized that I had been fooled but didn’t realize that this was only the beginning of my problems with Amanda. At the Time I just wanted to be nice to Amanda thinking that her so called friend was telling the truth when she said that she had a crush on me. I got a break from Amanda as I attended my sophomore year in high school but as I was a Junior, she was moved to my school and during my Senior year things really got bad as I would be walking through the hall and have her yell something at me such as telling me to stay away from her. It really upset me since I really didn’t have any interests in her before her friend Valerie played this prank and am wouldn’t have even talked to her if it weren’t for her friend. I wanted to avoid her but there was always a time that we both happened to be in the same hall.

Despite the mistreatment by some women I figured that there was some woman out there who liked me and that I would eventually be married. I remember one day in a metal shop class I had a bunch of male classmates tell me who I will never get married and I argued with them. Me and as many as 8 other students made a $20 bet that at the 25 year high school reunion I won’t be married. At the time I figured that there isn’t a possibility that I could lose this bet since every decent guy finds a woman right? The constant rejection by women got to me in my senior year and I considered the possibility that I could end up alone for the rest of my life. I considered suicide but was assured by others that women mature after high school and even though I was being rejected now that I won’t be in a year or so. I decided not to commit suicide based on the idea that things can only get better. Unfortunately I was fed some false information by people who either thought that there wasn’t a chance that I could end up alone or simply wanted to prevent me from committing suicide and said this hoping that I would believe it and decide not to commit suicide.

My crisis during my senior year really hurt me academically and my grades were too low to get in to most colleges. I didn’t have any intentions of going to College after high school but decided after graduation that this would be a great way to meet women. During my college years I faced a lot of rejection and started to realize that the people who said that women will mature were wrong. I wasn’t made fun of women like I was during school but women told me politely that they simply weren’t interested and told me the standard dump phrase that I am a “great guy” and “will make some woman happy”. I started to realize soon that this was simply a standard thing women say to men to be nice to them and try and help them feel okay about being rejected but in reality there may not be some woman who will be interested in me. In fact, the entire notion that everyone is loved by someone is a fairy tale. Unfortunately there are some men who will never find someone. I’m sure the two mentally challenged guys who grew up in my neighborhood thought when they were young that they would be married like it seems everyone else is. During their late teen years they too were probably told that women will mature and that they will find someone.

Next year will be my 30th high school reunion and the 25th year reunion was cancelled but I had no plans to go to my 25th year reunion and don’t plan to go to my 30th year reunion. I don’t know which would be worse for me attending a high school reunion. Would me seeing everyone else married including women who I wanted a date or having people make fun of me including the guys who I made a bet with in metal shop during my junior year make me more depressed? It is already difficult for me to log in to my Facebook account and see men who treated me like garbage happily married with children. I feel I was robbed of happiness and wanted to be a father.

I am now 47 and for some reason me being alone has really gotten to me as I’ve been unable to sleep at night since I cannot stop thinking about how much I wash I wasn’t alone. It’s really difficult to be alone since every commercial reminds me that most men have a wife long before my age. This time of the year is especially bad since it is during the Spring and summer months that women start wearing more revealing clothing. It is also the time of the year that we enjoy more of our time outside and I start wishing that I could have a picnic with a woman but I’m not married and don’t have a girlfriend. At 47, nearly all women are taken and the chances of me finding someone to join me is even more remote than the hard times I had in high school and during my twenties.

I spend entire nights trying to fall asleep but end up constantly thinking about how lonely I am and how I am going to die lonely. I keep thinking to myself and asking “Why me?” and realizing that if I had the knowledge of what was going to happen to me back in my senior year when I was thinking of committing suicide, there is no doubt that I would have carried it out. I keep thinking of how devastating my suicide would have been to my parents and entire family but also how I have suffered my entire life and this suffering will not end. It isn’t like you can die from loneliness. Being lonely doesn’t increase your chances of developing a life threatening medical condition that could kill you. I often think about how it seemed impossible for me to even fathom during my teen years of some adult being rejected by every women they asked out and end up being alone until the day they finally do die. It has been hard for me to accept that I’m one of those unfortunate people who will never have someone love them and cannot do things that a lot of people take for granted such as a picnic with their loved one on a warm sunny day or taking a trip to some romantic place. Even a hug after a rough day is something that I cannot have but many others take for granted.

   I just got through Christmas which can by a trying time for someone with Aspergers. People my age usually have families which I don’t have. It would be great to play Santa Claus and surprise your kids with gifts they asked for but never thought they would receive. They are like Ralphie from A Christmas Story asking Santa since he is the "head honcho" for things like a red ryder BB gun. Of course the biggest gift I wanted when I was a kid was a Commodore® 64 and was surprised one Christmas morning to find a Commodore® 64 as a gift from Santa. I always wished I had a wife that I can enjoy Christmas with and kids to give gifts to. The day after Christmas all stores seem to immediately put up Valentines day displays. I enjoy the wide selecition of Valentines day candy more than I do Christmas candy but I can’t remember ever having a great Valentines day. It is a celebration of love and when you are without a "Valentine" it can be tough.

   It is hard seeing all the advertisements for Valentines day and it seems that everyone has a "Valentine" to buy gifts for. There has been so many times that I have wished that there was a woman who loved me and I could give her a Valentines day gift to show my love and appreciation for her. It would also be nice to receive a gift from a woman who
is showing her love for me. Unfortunately this never happened. It’s a little harder this year since about this time last year I found out that a girl that I liked who worked in the same building as me didn’t like me. I noticed her four years ago and thought she was cute. At first I didn’t have the guts to walk up to her since I have been rejected by most women. I finally had the guts to talk to her and for a while she acted nice to me and it seemed we had some things in common. She was divorced and wasn’t interested in re-marrying but I wasn’t too interested in jumping into marriage. She had some interests similar to me too. I asked her out a few times but she politely refused. One day she started avoiding me and from what I gather she just wasn’t interested in me and was probably someone who felt sorry for me and was only being nice to me since she was a nice person who didn’t want be mean to me and tell me to get lost like other women do. Finally she started avoiding me which really hurt me. For a lot of men, they would move onto some other woman but for someone like me there are few women who have interests in me. We are seen as weird by women (as well as men) and Lana became yet another woman who I would love to have spent time with but she had no intentions of hanging out with me! It’s really hard for people with Aspergers to pick up social cues and I imagine she gave me several hints that she simply wasn’t interested and was only being nice to me because she didn’t want to be mean to me but since I didn’t get the message that she wasn’t interested in even being friends, she was forced to avoid me. This was devastating for me! People say that you get over rejections but when you are repeatedly rejected it hurts. Especially when most of the women you approach tell you in very certain terms that they are not interested in you and you simply cannot find any women who will even go on a date with you let alone love you.

   A lot of my Valentines days have been very disappointing! One year during my senior year in high school some classmate met a woman he didn’t want to be with or wanted to pull a sick joke. He left my name and phone number to a woman named "Tressie". I am unsure if this was her correct name but this is what it sounded like she said her name was. She mentioned that we met a while back at a party and since I had never called back she decided to call. Even though I wasn’t invited to many high school parties I assumed that perhaps I did meet this woman at a party and tried to "remember". Unfortunately she realized I didn’t remember her and got upset. She had some friends who began calling me for over a month harassing me because she felt so bad and they probably figured I was trying to act like I didn’t remember her when it later became obvious that I never met this woman. During my senior year which was already a rough year I was receiving threats from people I had no idea who they were! I was even told that I "better watch my back" since friends of "Tressie" planned to retaliate. I called the South Ogden Police Department and contacted Bonneville High School. The police tried to trace these calls and the Administrators (who I didn’t trust) assured me that I am safe at Bonneville High. I ended up cutting class for the rest of the semester. Luckily I only needed one class in order to graduate from high school and there wasn’t an attendance policy or I would have been forced to go to school when I feared for my personal safety. I was glad to graduate in 1989 and get away from Bonneville High School!

   For people with Aspergers and other disabilities it can be a painful time of year when it comes to Valentines day! I remember my Junior year I had someone send a fake Valentine to a woman who couldn’t stand me. For the rest of my high school life I had this lady walk up to me and tell me how much she hated me! For some reason she still thought I was the one who sent the Valentine even though I told her I wasn’t the person who sent it and I had no interests in her especially since she hates me so much! Why would I continue to pursue someone who hates me so much? Surprisingly with me being shy I did give Valentines to women in high school. None of these women responded. They acted nice to me and told me how much they appreciated receiving a Valentine from me, others weren’t so kind. I tried to make sure women were comfortable with receiving a Valentine from me but there were plenty who didn’t like receiving a Valentine from me.

   In addition to being rejected by women, there are plenty of guys who would love to tell you how you will never be married. I had several classmates in high school
tell me that I would never find a woman and would be single for the rest of my life. I didn’t believe them because it just doesn’t seem to be something that would happen to me.
I saw myself as a nice guy but what I didn’t realize is this isn’t how women saw me. They saw me as weird and a lot of women didn’t want anything to do with me! Very few women
would be willing to go on a date with me! I’m about the only member of Bonneville’s Class of 1989 that has never been married! This is why I don’t attend any class reunions
since I know I will have classmates who will say "I told you so". It is depressing to see people who are total jerks able to find dates and even get married while
you are stuck single because of a defect that you were born with.

   Of course if I were to be attending high school or college today, the Internet is a much more effective way to pull pranks. For example Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o could
possibly be the victim of a sick prank. It is unknown if he knew but his "girlfriend" never existed. It is unknown if he did or didn’t know this but this shows how easy it is for someone to play a sick joke on someone. All you need to do is obtain a photo of some woman/guy and with the anonymity of the Internet you can play a very sick joke! It is unclear if Te’o visited this woman in person or not but easily someone could play a prank where they claim to be a woman who is interested in someone only to be playing a sick joke. A lot of people have done it and I believe a young woman committed suicide a couple years ago after some high school enemies duped her by making a fake Facebook profile of a guy who supposedly liked her. They obtained intimate details from her and after this young woman found out she was the subject of a sick prank, she committed suicide. Unfortunately people can be cruel especially when they have no idea the person they are pulling a prank on will be hurt so badly or they simply don’t care.

   For normal men and women, high school is the time they get their first kiss as well as going on their first date. Unfortunately, not all people experience this and
high school becomes hell! I remember being jealous because there was a total jerk going out with a woman I liked. During class she would sit in a desk behind him and place her feet in his hands to and let him massage her feet since she apparently loved this. I wish I could have been her boyfriend! I witnessed several times in high school where
couples were kissing and I wish that I had some woman who loved me and would give me a kiss! I couldn’t even get a hug from a woman! I would have loved to spend time with a woman
and always thought that even though I seemed different, there was a woman who wouldn’t mind.

   Everybody needs to be loved by someone as well as be able to show their love towards someone! Unfortunately this isn’t an option for a lot of people, especially
people with Aspergers. It’s hard to be told that you will make some woman happy only to realize that they are saying this to convince you that it isn’t hopeless to find someone
when they don’t realize that it really is hopeless for you when you have Aspergers. Some people with Aspergers are able to find love but most people with Aspergers never find love.