When Suicide is the right answer
It’s been over a year since my last entry and things haven’t been that great for me. The isolation due to the COVID-19 outbreak has shown how lonely I really am and how empty my life is. I made several attempts this year to make friends and failed miserably. I’ve concluded that I cannot deal with being lonely but will be alone for the rest of my life since women just don’t like me and I cannot make friends. It’s hard to accept that the time in my senior year in high school when I considered committing suicide was the only time I found a real solution. All the times people told me that things will get better and that I will eventually find a woman never happened. Classmates kept telling me that I will never find a woman and will never be married. I use to thinks they just don’t know anything. Now after repeated rejection especially from women, I can see why they told me this and how right I was back in 1989 when I was considering suicide. The question is do I want to continue to like alone which has made my life hell, talk to therapists who keep recommending the latest antidepressant or kill myself to end the loneliness. All antidepressants failed and resulted in bad side effects and it would have been great if I just wasn’t so defective which made me hated by everyone. I don’t recommend suicide for everyone but in my case I think I am in a position where I am 50 years old and it is safe to say there are no women who like me. In fact, nobody likes me. I’ve gained weight and cannot lose this weight which in addition to aspergers, makes me even lesser liked. I cannot deal with loneliness any longer and feel suicide was the best decision I ever made and is still the solution to my pain. Nobody can help me and nobody likes me. I’m just someone who was wrongly put in this world. It is in my best interest and the interest of everyone else that I end my life.
To illustrate how much worthless my life is it is easy to look at my brothers. Today I was at a restaurant we usually go to and one of the waitresses set my brother up with a friend of hers. She really doesn’t like me too much and it has gotten to the point I’ve had to get used to being the brother of the three brothers who is hated. My youngest brother easily got married and my other brother has had relationships with women. For me, there hasn’t been any relationships and I’ve worked harder than my brothers to look for a woman and have been rejected by every women I’ve asked. I conclude there isn’t enough room on this earth for me and since I cannot stand being alone, my best option is to commit suicide since there is no hope for me.
P.S. This will be the final entry of this blog even if I don’t commit suicide. I cannot stand the POS new editor used by WordPress!
Living with the aspergers curse. 